1.8

I got home from work last night (see, I told you a lot had happened recently) and I was so tired and cranky that I nearly just plopped down on the couch and gave in to a severe case of "I don't give a crap."  But I'd told friends I was going to go for a run (walk), so I dragged myself upstairs and put on the loosest running clothes I could find and headed out.

I got out on to the main road where I used to run, intending to just walk a couple of miles, and maybe throw in some short bursts of running to get myself back into the swing of things.  (It has, after all, been four freaking months since I took even one running step.)   Three steps into my walk, however, I started to run.

Not fast, and I'm sure not pretty, but running, nevertheless.  It felt goooood.  I'd forgotten how much I missed it.  After a little while, it started to feel less good.  It felt a little like work, to be honest.   But I figured I'd just go as far as I could before I had to walk.

A few minutes later, I realized that I really wanted to quit.  Instead, I decided to turn around.  Surely I could run all the way home - after all, I knew I hadn't even gone a mile yet.  Surely I could run another "not even a mile" home, right?

I made it all the way home without walking, feeling like I'd just accomplished something.  According to Google Maps (because I didn't bother wearing my poor, lonely Garmin), I'd run 1.8 miles.

Considering I've done 12 miles without walking before, and 41 miles of walking and running, 1.8 might not seem like much.  But it felt like much. It felt like a really wonderful start back into something that I've been missing.

So... yay me!  (I'm allowed to say that - it's my blog)

Next up - deciding what races to sign up for, even though I've told my husband (and myself) that NC24 will be my only race this year.   Races are like chips, right?  You can't just have ONE.

The Real Slim Shady

After basically quitting running back in September, I arrived in the New Year even more unhealthy and lumpy than I was before.  Which, if I'm perfectly honest, is kind of how I've started every New Year since I've had kids.  I mean, I've never been 300 lbs (or anything close to it), nor is my health really all that poor.  Which could be why I've never really done a whole lot to better myself - because I haven't ever gotten "that bad."  

Well, "that bad" is relative, and as I slide closer to 36 (that just sounds so impossible), I've realized that "not that bad" is completely unacceptable and must be replaced by "pretty freaking awesome."  After all, I've got plans, baby!  Can't head back to Cleveland (yeah, that's right - another 24 hour race for me this year, god help me) in the same - or worse - shape as last year.  

So I bought a new FitBit (gave the old one to my mom a few months ago during one of my heavier "slacking" periods) and started tracking calories via My Fitness Pal again this week.  

After 1 week of logging my food, I have come to a startling conclusion.  Eating a "normal" or "appropriate" amount of calories is really damn easy for me and I have no idea why I haven't been doing it all along.  I weighed myself last Monday and again today, and after just one week, I'm down 3 lbs.  I'm sure most of it is water weight, but I don't care.  It's weight that's gone, and hopefully weight that is never coming back.  

I still have quite a ways to go, but I've realized that it's completely "do-able" and as long as I don't completely bullshit myself by setting up unrealistic expectations, I should have little trouble getting myself to a healthy weight. 

Now to get back to running.  That may be a bit harder.  

I don't know what it is, exactly, but there has been a near-crippling inertia surrounding me the past few months.  Part of it, I know, was "the blues" - we had some difficult situations before the holidays and I tend to get mired in things.  But I am feeling better these days and despite the weather (I am already "over" winter), I should be able to get out there and get running. 

It just hasn't happened yet. 

Starting Over

Man, it's dusty in here.  Lots of cobwebs build up when you don't post for nearly 4 months.  Also true for running.  Lots of cobwebs. Or something.

So a ton has happened, and yet nothing has changed - or maybe things have changed, but things are still the same.... Confused yet? Don't worry, you get used to it.

The main thing is that I'm trying again.   Which may not seem like much, especially if you're a Yoda follower, but really, to me it's a lot.  Because when I quit, I quit.  Full force, unmovable, done, finito.  So it's good that I'm trying again. Living. Moving.  Being a part of things instead of being on the sidelines of my own life.

My husband was showing the kids some old videos of when we first moved into this house, four years ago, and I actually said, "Wow.  I used to be fun."

So, I'm back. I'm trying.  What that will ultimately look like, I have no idea.  But I'm grateful for the chance.