Tuesday, May 13, 2014

How Not To Train Your Dragon

Half Marathon #3 is coming up this weekend, and I just realized how truly unprepared I really am. I mean, I knew I was under-prepared, but I just looked at all my running for the past couple of months, and oh, man, is it dismal.

So, I present to you a list of things not to do if you are training for a half marathon.  I call it "Di's Idiocy, part 600."

Step 1:  Sign up for a Half Marathon
Step 2: Run sporadically, maybe 2 or 3 times a week, something like that.
Step 3: Don't do any cross training or strength training.  Except maybe a half-assed attempt at walking lunges that hurt your knee.
Step 4: Gain some weight.
Step 5: Periodically forget you signed up for the race. (You say denial, I say early onset dementia.  Agree to disagree)
Step 6: Do one 10 mile run - but make it a long time before the race, say...... six weeks.
Step 7: Do no other runs longer than, oh, maybe 6 miles.
Step 8: Develop shin pain.
Step 9: Stretch maybe, if you think of it, for a few seconds, sometimes.
Step 10: Wonder, not for the first time, WTF is wrong with you.

Easy peasy, right?

Yeah, pretty much! 

In all honesty, I'm not too worried about this race.  I mean, if nothing else, I will have a new personal worst Half Marathon time.  I'm sure my ego will survive.  Probably.  And I'll have a shiny new medal to put with my other shiny medals.  Of which I do not have nearly enough.  They should give out medals for other stuff.

For example:

  • Getting up at 3 a.m. to deal with a half-awake 5 year old who doesn't know why she's screaming. 
  • Answering "Why?" for the 3,745th time.  
  • Being able to locate every single item that any child has ever said they've looked "EVERYWHERE" for. 
  • Cleaning up various bodily fluid (that isn't yours). 
  • Being able to unclog an overflowing toilet in under 60 seconds. 
  • Knowing all the words to every Disney and/or Pixar movie soundtrack.  
  • Not throwing up on your kid when your kid throws up on you. 

I'd have so many frickin' medals.  It would be awesome.  But, no, motherhood is supposed to have its own intrinsic value.  Whatever. I want my bling, darn it.

This post took an odd turn, didn't it?  Hmm.

Anyway.  Train better than I do for races.  Don't be a dummy.  Peace out.


  1. HaHa - I love all of those things that you should get an award for doing/performing - makes sense to me!

    1. Right?! Sheesh. I don't know who's in charge of these things, but they need to get it together! ;-)

  2. i want my bling too!!!!!

    i love steps 5 (dementia) & 9 (for a few seconds, somtimes). LOL

  3. LOL! I've been totally amazed that I don't throw up every time the kids do. Quite frankly, just thinking about someone getting sick makes me nauseous, yet I've always been able to handle it when it's one of my kids.

    I just hope that none of their friends ever test that...

    1. Oh, god. If someone ELSE'S kid threw up on me.... yeah, I don't know. LOL


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